


Save a Life

by waywardjoy (CNK80Q3demoneyes)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Post-Episode: s12e03 The Foundry, Song Lyrics, Takes place right after Mary leaves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-25
Updated: 2017-03-25
Packaged: 2018-10-10 15:13:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10440663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CNK80Q3demoneyes/pseuds/waywardjoy
Summary: This is how I envision the boys dealt Mary leaving post s12e3.  It is inspired by the song "How to Save a Life" by the Fray.  Lyrics in bold





	

Save a Life

 

Through the years I have watched him spiral through the guilt and despair of all he has survived. He has his vises and his coping mechanisms. None of which are healthy or useful. But he’s still here, so I will always take it as a win. He refuses to talk to me. “No chick flick moments.” It’s such horse shit though. He’s an emotional guy. It’s what makes him so damn good at his job. But it eats at him. And then he explodes. I can feel it coming. It won’t be long before someone suffers because of it. He will most likely be the one to suffer the most. The explosion will then cause him guilt and the cycle will begin anew. But I have to do this. 

 

An ambush is my only option. He’s been holed up in his room for three days now. He will come out soon searching for booze or food. I am going to sit here in the kitchen and wait.

 

**Step one, you say we need to talk**

**He walks, you say sit down, it's just a talk**

**He smiles politely back at you**

**You stare politely right on through**

**Some sort of window to your right**

**As he goes left, and you stay right**

**Between the lines of fear and blame**

**You begin to wonder why you came**

 

When he finally does show up, he looks so much worse than I had expected. He’s gaunt and pale. He looks like shit warmed over. He stinks too. I can smell him from across the room. The rotting whiskey smell is overpowering. It’s now or never.

 

“Here.” I slide the fresh cup of coffee towards him. I get a grunt in response. “Have a seat Dean. Before you fall over.”

 

He glares at me, but follows my suggestion. “Just getting up? Or did you ever go to bed?”

 

I get a rude gesture in response this time. Well, at least he’s listening to me. Better than the alternative. Here goes nothing. “Wanna talk about it?”

 

The look he gives me is staggering. It’s a combination of furious, self-loathing, and surrender. It makes my stomach flip and I have to swallow back the bile filling my throat. This is different. “Just talk to me man. Let me help.”

 

Dean practically jumps from his perch. His now empty mug clatters to the table. “Help? You want to help?!” He storms over to a cabinet and retrieves a bottle. He returns just the same and slams the empty whiskey bottle on the table. “Get me more of this.” He’s storming out of the room before I can reply.

 

**Where did I go wrong?**

**I lost a friend**

**Somewhere along in the bitterness**

**And I would have stayed up with you all night**

**Had I known how to save a life**

 

I expected this. I am not going to let him just walk away. I’ll give him a minute to collect himself, but I need this to happen tonight. It’s gone on long enough. He’s getting reckless again. I need my brother back.

 

**Let him know that you know best**

**Cause after all, you do know best**

**Try to slip past his defense**

**Without granting innocence**

**Lay down a list of what is wrong**

**The things you've told him all along**

**And pray to God he hears you**

**And I pray to God he hears you**

 

I found him in his room, his back to the door, new bottle in his hand. His shoulders slump when he hears me enter the room. His voice low and gruff he speaks without facing me.

 

“I don’t know why you think you can fix me. I let everyone down. I’ve let you down too many times to count.”

 

“What are you talking about man?”

 

“Maybe- maybe that’s why she doesn’t want me. I am just a huge disappointment. I know she never wanted this life for us. But the things I’ve done- I get it. I don’t like me much either.”

 

“Hey, don’t say that.” I cut him off before he can go further down that destructive path. “Mom loves you. She’s just trying to process the fact that we aren’t babies anymore.”

 

I can see him sway where he’s perched on his bed. The alcohol taking its hold. I don’t have long. I need to race against the alcohol if i want to get him burst before he passes out.

 

**Where did I go wrong?**

**I lost a friend**

**Somewhere along in the bitterness**

**And I…**

**Where did I go wrong?**

**I lost a friend**

**Somewhere along in the bitterness**

**And I would have stayed up with you all night**

**Had I known how to save a life**

 

I move to sit beside him. His eyes boring into me. Silently begging for me to fix it all. He’s suddenly a terrified four year old again, who desperately needs his mother. 

 

Well, that wasn’t exactly what I was expecting. I was anticipating anger, not tears. Where’s the knock down drag out fight I was prepared for? But as I said before. My brother is an emotional guy. And love is not an emotion he expresses freely. But to have it taken away from him, well it hurts him deeply. I can see the perceived rejection in his eyes. 

 

“She’s working with them, Sammy. They tortured you. They were going to do the same to me. Most likely kill us both. How- how can she do this? She’s our mother!”

 

I don’t have any good answers for him. I don’t understand it either. And she’s not here to ask. She didn’t stick around long enough for us to try to understand. 

 

“Amara said this was her gift. My greatest desire. But man- I wish I could go back- I wish she’d never- damn Amara and her damn gifts.”

 

I have no words of comfort for him. But I hope his venting will help him in some way. I watch in silence as he angrily wipes the tears from his face and downs more of his bottle. I can see he’s fading. He won’t be conscience much longer. I’ll leave him to it. I have a lot to think about.

 

**As he begins to raise his voice**

**You lower yours and grant him one last choice**

**Drive until you lose the road**

**Or break with the ones you've followed**

**He will do one of two things**

**He will admit to everything**

**Or he'll say he's just not the same**

**And you'll begin to wonder why you came**

 

I’ve seen him play off the hurt with anger or even being aloof. But now, he’s just broken. I have no idea how to fix him. I just want my brother back.

 

**Where did I go wrong?**

**I lost a friend**

**Somewhere along in the bitterness**

**And I would have stayed up with you all night**

**Had I known how to save a life**

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading y'all! Feedback is appreciated.


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